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Jun 03, 2021

Journal of Buzzard/Game 04 Frustrations - game 04.03

by: Kristen Pavle

Game04 post 03/10


Feeling frustrated about what to publish, so did a free-write journal to see what popped out. A bit nonsensical as the writing is very meh. Not edited for clarity 😬


Still not sure how to orient to the Buzzard site, and Game 04 in particular. I don't really know why I'm posting or what I should post. Every time I think about creating a post, it feels forced. Not sure what this is.

My theory that my first game 04 post would be an anchor for future posts has now been disproven.

My sense is there isn't enough constraints on the game - 10 posts of anything? I interpret this as 10 posts of everything, and I freeze.

So I guess this is an interim game play post to say I don't like this game. It's challenging in a way that's not fun, nor motivating. (I'm realizing that perhaps the point of this game is to help future people NOT have to feel this way... by experimenting with styles of game play and coming up with games that help people post. Oddly, in this moment, the meta of the situation isn't fun--typically I love a good meta concept).

I did enjoy writing my first game 04 post, a meta post. Only after spending a bit of time tidying up the site. This whole experience felt focused and purposeful.

Maybe it's that I don't know how to orient to [[divergent thinking]] very well? This doesn't seem quite right though. I do plenty of divergent thinking and writing - making notes on a whole lot of random stuff. Interestingly, I haven't been doing this lately though. Or should I say, I don't consistently do this kind of thinking and writing.

I've struggled with how to divergently research, in order to converge on some kind of clarity. See also - my second game 04 post , wherein I describe this fractal in my life in terms of reading (a kind of divergent research I suppose).

This is a ramlbing post to say - if I don't know why I'm doing something, or if I don't know what I'm working towards, I have a hard time acting. Instead I freeze.

IDK if this will make sense to anyone else but I'm starting to connect some dots for myself. I'm starting to better understand the challenge I'm experiencing here. And while that's promising, I'm impatient and it doesn't feel like I'm any closer to a solution. But that will come in time, if I can keep shining light on this experience.

Lastly - earlier, Dave and I attempted a conversation about how to talk with people about what we're building with Buzzard. And I kept saying, I'm not ready to talk about it because I don't fully understand what we're doing. I get it on the surface level but not in a 360 degree participatory understanding. I get tripped up without this full participatory understanding, without getting the insights that come from participation.

And because I'm not sure why I'm doing it for myself (the content of this whole post), it's exceedingly difficult to explain to others. I think that this game 04 experiment should go a long ways toward helping me better understand. And once I get the participatory understanding of what it is we're doing, I can talk about it. Down the road, I anticipate I'll be quite good at "marketing" what we're doing, because good marketing is just describing what it is you're doing. (My best guess is that Dave will still need to add the flourish to the copy, he's just too good at it).

Lastly, lastly - it's very uncomfortable to hatch this Buzzard participatory insight. This whole not-knowing-what-we're-doing thing. What will come of it?! But I will say, it's WAY more fun doing this with a group than alone. Alone, I just have this massive Roam database that makes no sense, not even to me! 🙃

Lastly, lastly, lastly - the way I'm getting unfrozen, and actually posting, is through subtle peer pressure. I know that the others are posting, so I feel compelled to post, to do my part. In this sense it's more extrinsinc than intrinsic (which long-term won't work well). Though I suppose I am intrinsincly motivated by understanding what the posts will mean after the fact. In the meanwhile, I'm slogging. Will check in later to see if this simply an ice cream crash response. Even if it's an ice cream fueled vent, I am tapping into something that I believe is useful.